X2 [or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Bryan Singer]
By Michael Farah
As a writer, I have a lot of words in my computer. Believe it or not, a lot of the words I've strung together haven't been published. But why would that stop me from dissecting my work, adding comments, and offering the DVD version of crap? Heck, it might even be fun to read, in that Mystery Science Theater kinda way.
For the first column, we're going to dive into my review of X2: X-Men United from 2003. I still love this film, but the review leaves a lot to be desired. Let me show you why:
It is difficult to describe the relief, let alone the excitement one feels during the opening moments of the second X-Men adventure, X-Men United [although it might be something akin to making it through a date without sharting after a particularly spicy Thai meal]. After all, this is the Gladiator spot [what are you talking about?], the unofficial beginning of the summer movie season [oh] that Spider-Man decimated [lost me again] one year ago. If a movie stumbles here [like an overpaid sports star in the postseason], our collective hopes for the rest of the blockbuster season dwindles [as if we had a collective hope other than that at least one of them won't suck]. Thankfully, X2 does not stumble; it soars to heights unimagined by the first film and beyond even fan expectations [cliché 1]
That first scene, in which Alan Cumming's diabolical Nightcrawler breaches White House security in an attempt on the President's life [alas, a fake president, not Georgie], is the most thrilling this side of The Matrix [cliché 2]. Blessed with a bigger budget, more time, and a seasoned [I believe it was oregano, rosemary, and cumin] cast, director Bryan Singer pours his heart and soul into the action sequences [dramatic pause] and it shows. Unlike the first film, the X2 sequences are jaw-dropping [cliché 3] both in terms of scope and originality [yes, for you math wizards, it's doubly jaw-dropping], and serve the more epic story that Singer wants to tell.
The first X-Men introduced us to mutants, evolutionary offshoots of humanity blessed with uncanny abilities. The good mutants [they clean under their fingernails and behind their ears] are led by Charles Xavier (Patrick Stewart), a telepath whose dreams of mutant-human co-existence are opposed by his old friend and all around baddie [oooh, I'm scared] Magneto (Ian McKellen). Despite the X-Men's defeat of Magneto's Brotherhood, the world is no less fearful of those that are different and are undecided as to how to resolve the 'mutant problem' [i.e. how do we keep making money on this franchise?]
United does not take the easy and unimaginative way out [changing Storm's power to make it impossible for Halle Berry to wear clothes ], releasing Magneto from his plastic prison to wreak more havoc. Instead, it is the human military [as opposed to the robot one], led by the brilliantly bigoted [is that an oxymoron?] William Stryker (Brian Cox) that is the new enemy. Having abducted Xavier and his stalwart student [and blank slate] Cyclops (James Marsden), Stryker launches an assault on Xavier's school, capturing mutant children and dispersing the X-Men. As if to prove that silly subtitle [subtitles need no proof; they’re inherently perfect], the mutants must unite in order to defeat Stryker and prove their meddle [Cliché 4].
The story serves [seared tuna on mixed field greens] but it is the characters that shine [cliché 5]. Hugh Jackman's Wolverine is again front and center, with animal magnetism oozing from his every pose [hard to believe I'm straight, ain't it?]. Halle Berry's weather-manipulating Storm is a vast improvement from the first film, though still under-utilized and unrealized [mostly because she still has her clothes on]. Shape-shifting Mystique (Rebecca Romijn-Stamos) gives the film a playful energy [i.e. something for the fanboys to pant at], balancing the dark, more foreboding attitude of Jean Grey (Famke Janssen).
As with any large cast, not all characters get their just due. Anna Paquin, an integral part of the first film as Rogue, is subjugated to a supporting role here [I missed her lip puckering and Oscar winning]. An expanded Iceman part is still not enough for an interesting Shawn Ashmore and the newbie Pyro (Aaron Stanford) displays only glimpses of greatness [the glimpses being his ability to act in pajamas with a straight face]. Marsden gets similarly lost in the shuffle, used by Singer more as a pawn than a character [although it's hard to see how he would be better unless he started going postal on everybody in sight]. But all is forgiven with Nightcrawler, whose spot-on German accent and faithful representation of the comic-book demon is an absolute delight to witness. [And which character gets tossed out the window for X3 - you guessed it.]
If the film stumbles at all [what's with all the stumbling talk, you clumsy moron?], it is in the over-blown second half. Having captivated our attention with a dozen or so character introductions [that's an exaggeration; it's more like he Greco-Roman wrestled our attention], Singer and company choose the lesser path: away from thematic interactions [pretentious] and towards comic-book resolutions [satisfying]. While the plot is serviceable [I'm bringing it in this weekend for a tune-up], it takes too high a priority in the final moments, as the loose ends seek to be tied [if only there were more S&M talk] The dialogue can get a bit campy (as is the weakness of all such films - hey, stop stealing my parentheses for such an insipid comment), though much of it belies a playful wit [my New Yorker writing moment and cliché 6] that is missing in so many of X2's contemporaries [who, coincidentally all get together for poker nights on Friday - Blade usually kicks everybody's asses].
By Michael Farah
As a writer, I have a lot of words in my computer. Believe it or not, a lot of the words I've strung together haven't been published. But why would that stop me from dissecting my work, adding comments, and offering the DVD version of crap? Heck, it might even be fun to read, in that Mystery Science Theater kinda way.
For the first column, we're going to dive into my review of X2: X-Men United from 2003. I still love this film, but the review leaves a lot to be desired. Let me show you why:
It is difficult to describe the relief, let alone the excitement one feels during the opening moments of the second X-Men adventure, X-Men United [although it might be something akin to making it through a date without sharting after a particularly spicy Thai meal]. After all, this is the Gladiator spot [what are you talking about?], the unofficial beginning of the summer movie season [oh] that Spider-Man decimated [lost me again] one year ago. If a movie stumbles here [like an overpaid sports star in the postseason], our collective hopes for the rest of the blockbuster season dwindles [as if we had a collective hope other than that at least one of them won't suck]. Thankfully, X2 does not stumble; it soars to heights unimagined by the first film and beyond even fan expectations [cliché 1]
That first scene, in which Alan Cumming's diabolical Nightcrawler breaches White House security in an attempt on the President's life [alas, a fake president, not Georgie], is the most thrilling this side of The Matrix [cliché 2]. Blessed with a bigger budget, more time, and a seasoned [I believe it was oregano, rosemary, and cumin] cast, director Bryan Singer pours his heart and soul into the action sequences [dramatic pause] and it shows. Unlike the first film, the X2 sequences are jaw-dropping [cliché 3] both in terms of scope and originality [yes, for you math wizards, it's doubly jaw-dropping], and serve the more epic story that Singer wants to tell.
The first X-Men introduced us to mutants, evolutionary offshoots of humanity blessed with uncanny abilities. The good mutants [they clean under their fingernails and behind their ears] are led by Charles Xavier (Patrick Stewart), a telepath whose dreams of mutant-human co-existence are opposed by his old friend and all around baddie [oooh, I'm scared] Magneto (Ian McKellen). Despite the X-Men's defeat of Magneto's Brotherhood, the world is no less fearful of those that are different and are undecided as to how to resolve the 'mutant problem' [i.e. how do we keep making money on this franchise?]
United does not take the easy and unimaginative way out [changing Storm's power to make it impossible for Halle Berry to wear clothes ], releasing Magneto from his plastic prison to wreak more havoc. Instead, it is the human military [as opposed to the robot one], led by the brilliantly bigoted [is that an oxymoron?] William Stryker (Brian Cox) that is the new enemy. Having abducted Xavier and his stalwart student [and blank slate] Cyclops (James Marsden), Stryker launches an assault on Xavier's school, capturing mutant children and dispersing the X-Men. As if to prove that silly subtitle [subtitles need no proof; they’re inherently perfect], the mutants must unite in order to defeat Stryker and prove their meddle [Cliché 4].
The story serves [seared tuna on mixed field greens] but it is the characters that shine [cliché 5]. Hugh Jackman's Wolverine is again front and center, with animal magnetism oozing from his every pose [hard to believe I'm straight, ain't it?]. Halle Berry's weather-manipulating Storm is a vast improvement from the first film, though still under-utilized and unrealized [mostly because she still has her clothes on]. Shape-shifting Mystique (Rebecca Romijn-Stamos) gives the film a playful energy [i.e. something for the fanboys to pant at], balancing the dark, more foreboding attitude of Jean Grey (Famke Janssen).
As with any large cast, not all characters get their just due. Anna Paquin, an integral part of the first film as Rogue, is subjugated to a supporting role here [I missed her lip puckering and Oscar winning]. An expanded Iceman part is still not enough for an interesting Shawn Ashmore and the newbie Pyro (Aaron Stanford) displays only glimpses of greatness [the glimpses being his ability to act in pajamas with a straight face]. Marsden gets similarly lost in the shuffle, used by Singer more as a pawn than a character [although it's hard to see how he would be better unless he started going postal on everybody in sight]. But all is forgiven with Nightcrawler, whose spot-on German accent and faithful representation of the comic-book demon is an absolute delight to witness. [And which character gets tossed out the window for X3 - you guessed it.]
If the film stumbles at all [what's with all the stumbling talk, you clumsy moron?], it is in the over-blown second half. Having captivated our attention with a dozen or so character introductions [that's an exaggeration; it's more like he Greco-Roman wrestled our attention], Singer and company choose the lesser path: away from thematic interactions [pretentious] and towards comic-book resolutions [satisfying]. While the plot is serviceable [I'm bringing it in this weekend for a tune-up], it takes too high a priority in the final moments, as the loose ends seek to be tied [if only there were more S&M talk] The dialogue can get a bit campy (as is the weakness of all such films - hey, stop stealing my parentheses for such an insipid comment), though much of it belies a playful wit [my New Yorker writing moment and cliché 6] that is missing in so many of X2's contemporaries [who, coincidentally all get together for poker nights on Friday - Blade usually kicks everybody's asses].
While Berry's Storm is a long shot [not anymore, after Catwoman bombed], the rest of the cast seems willing and eager for a third chance to mutate [except for Alan Cumming who, despite his general air of oddness, manages to emerge intact]. Seeds of a future storyline are planted in the conclusion [but we need Miracle Grow, stat!], all but insuring a continuance of the X-Men's adventures. If X2 is an indication of where this franchise is heading, sign me up [for the newsletter; I hear Wolverine has good recipes]. I only wish patience was my mutant gift [that and the ability to not end reviews like an idiot - oh, and flying and invisibility.]
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