The Letter Writer by Mike Farah

Dear Dunkin Donuts,

Hi. How are you? Make any good donuts today? Yes, I know, all of your donuts are made of the highest quality ingredients and taste delicious. Now, normally I'd agree with you. You see, I'm somewhat of a Dunkin Donuts fanatic. I have every styrofoam cup design you've ever made, and keep all of the commercials with that mustached fellow on DVD. I even drink your damn Coolatas, which taste like coffee flavored ice water and leave the aftertaste of cardboard. One might say I'm drinking the Dunkin Donuts Kool-aid, although that doesn't make sense because you don't make Kool-aid.
But I digress. The purpose of my writing is to complain. For the first time ever, I find myself questioning the quality of one of your donut flavors. A donut of which I'm quite fond, and yet nevertheless, has disappointed me time after time for past two months. I suspect by now that you've guessed that I'm talking about the chocolate glazed donut.
Don't play coy, like you don't know which one I mean. I'm not insulting your chocolate frosted donut, which renders me happily catatonic through its ingenious marriage of plain donut and frosting. No, no he, in fact, is the king of my donut dozen. The donut to which I refer is the chocolate version of the glazed donut. It features a fine gloss on the outside that gives it a shiny tint, as if to say "I'm delicious through and through, but if you don't like chocolate, at least lick the sugar that glistens under the fluorescents bulbs that I consider my sun."
I'll get to the point. Your chocolate donut has betrayed me for the final time. Both in its regular form and its cuter "munchkin" form (by the way, I love how you market leftovers), this donut has become the least tasty, the least moist, and, dare I say it, the least dunkable of your current lineup. I don't know what happened. You may have changed the recipe, or it may just be a malfunction at the one store I go to (which, as a Star Wars fan, I like to think of as the Courascant of the Dunkin Donuts universe). When I try biting into the donut, I am met with a crusty resistance, the likes of which I haven't experienced since accidentally ingesting a barnacle that fell off a boat some years ago.
I'm sorry to say this, but unless something is done immediately to change this donut situation, I cannot in good conscience reach for another chocolate glazed again. I know that I've threatened before (and believe me, I now realize that "stick" is a much better word for crueller), but this is different. I love me my chocolate. And if you can't serve me a decent chocolate donut, I'm going to have to stop eating those and only eat the other kinds. I know this is a tough munchkin to swallow, but now you know how that feels. Who knows, this may even turn into a Cindy Sheehan movement with hundreds of thousands of men, women and children protesting outside your corporate headquarters, wherever that may be. And where would that leave you? Well, I guess you wouldn't abandon your headquarters, but you'd sure as hell have one big chocolate donut of a problem that all the glaze in the world can't cover.
Thank you for listening. Once again, you know where to reach me if your conscience ever shows up.


Your friend and former chocolate donut eater,
Mike