Chuck Norris’ Oscar Picks
I don't take the Oscars as seriously as the next guy. I don't buy into all the glitz and glamour. Now, I've never been nominated nor have I won a golden statue, but in the award show they call life, I'm nothing but a winner. I have a great family. I have a rare copy of "Delta Force 2: The Columbian Connection" on Laserdisc which I know one day, I will be able to play on some digital media player. I have the Lord by my side, and if prompted, I can kick your ass from here to next Tuesday even in a leap year. Yes, I'm a rare breed. I have it all and I've done it all. Now, don't get me wrong, it would be a fine honor to take home that nice-looking golden man they call Oscar. So with that, I'd like to predict this year's biggest races. I can tell you this right off the bat, ain't no movie about a bunch of kissing cowboys gonna tickle my fancy.
BEST PICTURE
Everybody says "BrokebackMountain" is going to win. Hollywood insiders say it broke the mold, and will inspire a bunch more movies to come out on similar subject matter. Chuck Norris says that better not happen. Listen up Hollywood, if you know what's good for you, you'll award the Best Picture Oscar to another movie, and I'll tell you this, it better not be to that other homoerotic movie "Capote." Everyone makes such a big deal about "Brokeback." Life was so hard for those gay cowboys. Yeah, right. Try ducking for Charlie in Vietnam. That was tough. Try holding a human heart in your hands. That's hard. Some rodeo cowboys frolicking in the snow? That's not hard at all, and it's far from a Best Picture. Try learning Tang Soo Do, Gyllenhaal. That takes skill, cowards! That's why Chuck Norris is voting for "Munich" as Best Picture. "Crash" and "Good Night, and Good Luck" are also nominated, but I won't vote for either. "Crash" was good in that black people call each other names, and "Good Night, and Good Luck" was in black and white, and everyone knows Chuck Norris doesn't watch black and white movies. but with "Munich," people blew shit up a whole hell of a lot, and terrorists were taken downtown to Chinatown... just like I did in my best films. I think I, Chuck Norris, launched the action genre. No need to thank me in your speech, Spielberg.
BEST ACTOR
Chuck Norris hates this category. Heath Ledger? Maybe for Best SissyMan. Philip Seymour Hoffman? Maybe for Best Man Parading Around Like a Woman. The rest of the actors make me want to punch 1970s entertainer Charo in the chest, but I'm choosing Joaquin Phoenix for "Walk the Line." Johnny Cash was a cool cat, and Chuck Norris really digs his music. I really identify with some of his songs. I understood where Johnny Cash was coming from. He's a hero just like me. People grow up wanting to be him, maybe not much as me, but they do, and Phoenix captured that to a tee. Anyway, the two other actors can piss in my boots: David Straithairn and Terrence Howard. That "Hustle & Flow" thinks he's a tough guy or something? Slapping women and cursing with his hip hop music. Let's see that guy come to man to man and see what happens. I was an undefeated Professional World Middleweight Karate Champion. My beard alone could kick his ass.
BEST ACTRESS
Judi Dench is a British old women who looks like a farm animal. While it's inappropriate to hit a woman, I would not resist should she cross my path. I would kick her in the stomach repeatedly and make her know how I felt while watching "Mrs. Henderson Presents." It is a terrible film that makes my biceps cry. Reese Witherspoon is a firecracker in "Walk the Line," and she deserves to win. I'd like to bed her. You know? If I weren't married I would take her into my bedroom like old caveman times. But I can't do that, so I'll vote for her here instead. The other nominees can take a dump in the ocean for all I care. I'm not going to even name them. Alright, Charlize Theron, I'll name because she used to be good looking but turned into a lesbian tomboy in the stupid movie she's nominated for. Try fighting for your country, Charlize. Do something constructive, wench.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
In a perfect world, Lee Marvin is in this category dead or alive. But, he's not and for that I weep like a little school girl in gym class. George Clooney grew a beard and added a lot of weight to play some government person in "Syriana." Give that man an Oscar. If I gained weight, Christie Brinkley would give me a beating. One has to abstain from sweets and high-caloric food. I always stay away from fatty foods and fried appetizers. I stay on a strict regimine, so you won't be seeing Chuck Norris do that for a movie role no way, no how. I'd rather die in a freak bedwetting accident then add pounds to my perfect figure. I'm not even telling you the list of the other nominees because I'm feeling sick and have to go work out.
BEST DIRECTOR
I'm not Nostradumus or whatever his name is, but this one's easy. They're going to give the award to Ang Lee for his gay cowboy picture. Why? Because Hollywood is filled with gay liberals. The director in me, (I also executive produced "Walker: Texas Ranger" by the way), would give it to Spielberg for making that kickass action movie "Munich." It's nice for a movie not to have a message with it. It's cool to see a movie that's just saying "look we're gonna blow stuff up and kill terrorists" and that's it. No hidden agenda. No nothing... a straight shoot'em up.
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