archived interview: Hal Sparks
By Jon Chattman, October 2006 for thecheappop.com
Only a few things in life can always be funny:
A dreadfully loud fart in a quiet place is a given. A person tripping on the sidewalk is a sure bet. Hal Sparks? Well, he makes it okay for adults to pee themselves silly. Yes, the comedian, who by appearing on various "I Love the..." VH1 specials has now displaced Rob Thomas as the channel's poster boy, has the power to make us laugh with a simple snide comment, gesture or smirk. Case in point: he stole a scene in "Spider-Man 2" by simply riding on an elevator with the web hero. But, there's more to Sparks than drawing laughs. He's arguably best known for playing Michael Novotny on the acclaimed Showtime drama "Queer as Folk" and most recently for out singing deadbeats on "Celebrity Duets." In addition, he's a martial artist, and lead singer and guitarist for the band ZERO 1. But, let's be honest. This interview aims for the cheap laughs. How could we pose serious questions to a guy who once played tonsil hockey with a Furby and outed "He-Man" on national television?
JC) You've been on all of VH1's decade specials and their sequels: "I Love the '70s," "I Love the '80s," and so on.
Do you think it's premature to start an "I Love the 2000s" special?
HS) When I walk around with my friends and family, I am constantly commenting on current pop culture, political and social goings on. I guess it depends on how you view the shows. If they are about nostalgia, then yes. It's a little weird to get wistful about something that happened last Thursday, but if you just want me to make up some funny shit about what you just saw so we can all have a good laugh then hell, I'll do "I Love 7:25 a.m. This Morning!” I have been working with a psychic to begin writing for the 2007 episode of "I Love the New Millennium". You are going to laugh your ass when you see the clips from Bush's impeachment... hi-larious!
JC) I'll set the TiVo. Hey, is it true that you and Michael Ian Black tried to negotiate with VH1 to be on the air for 23 out of 24 hours a day?
HS) Quite the opposite. We had no idea we were being filmed all this time. We had lunch with this chick from VH1, who turned out to be a cyborg. She had a camera installed in her nose stud. Michael and I felt really used, but like in a good way.
JC) Keeping with that theme but not really, what do you think is the best invention to take off in the 1980s:the Rubik's Cube, the Slinky, or the Rick Moranis? Please explain.
HS) [The] Rubik's Cube, because it still makes a funny paperweight/ADD toy/"wow, I used to have one of those!" conversation piece. The Slinky always sucked, still does. The only thing good was the ad. The song was catchy. It turned out to be total bullshit though. They don't walk down stairs alone or in pairs! Crap! And, as far as I know Rick Moranis was invented in 1953 in Canada. So, better than a Slinky, not as '80s as a Rubik's Cube.
JC) Be honest, you still use a Trapper Keeper.
HS) I do, but only to hold my loose leaf printed version of the Anarchist Cookbook.
JC) Moving on, you worked with Cagney on "Queer as Folk," is it a lifelong goal to work with Lacey?
HS) Er, no. See I worked with the actress who played Christine Cagney. She and "Lacey" are fictional characters. Thanks for letting me know you are a crazy person who has trouble telling reality from fantasy in the first three minutes of the interview, though. Check, please!
JC) But, wait, I didn't order anything. I'll have the chef's salad. Oh wait, sorry, anyway is it true you don't drink alcohol? If so, can you explain how you resisted Zima back in 1994?
HS) It is true. I used the force.
JC) Nice. You speak Mandarin Chinese. Would you have been a better choice than Tia Carrere in "Wayne's World?"
HS) No, Rob Lowe was speaking Cantonese in the movie. So the scene wouldn't have worked (I would have looked hot, but confused) Plus, it would have taken the wind out of "Brokeback Mountain's " sails had I had a scene with Mike Myers prancing in his drawers way back then.
JC) That's a good point, and not too many people know this, but you have several black belts in martial arts. Have you ever kicked someone's ass?
HS) No. I usually aim for the ribs, stomach or the side of the head.
JC) Oh, that reminds me "Dude, Where's My Car?" No, seriously, where is it?
HS) It got towed! Dude, look at the sign! It's Tuesday! 12-2! Dur! Mystery solved.
JC) Damn, I keep forgetting. Anywho, this is the cheap pop, take the time now to plug whatever you want...What projects are you currently working on?
HS) Work! ha ha! I'm voicing a cartoon for Nickelodeon called "Tak and the Power of Juju" (I'm Tak) and I hosted a show for the WB called "Survival of The Richest" that starts airing March 31. My band ZERO 1 is going into the studio Feb. 18 to finish our album. Doug Pinnick of King's X is producing (http://www.kingsxonline.com/) and I'm in development to do two features in China this year. And, I'm going to tour doing Stand-up off and on all year.
JC) Do you ever miss your Talk Soup days?
HS) I really liked doing daily comedy on TV. But, I don't miss E!
JC) Speaking of E!, I'm going to rip this next question from the headlines. Do you lie awake at night concerned about Lindsay Lohan's driving?
HS) No. I pay a photographer to get plenty of pictures of her driving so I can see that she's okay. He gets really good close-ups.
JC) Last question, Hal. Thanks again for the interview. We all need inspiration. If you could give any advice to anyone, what would it be and why?
HS) Never Quit. Always improve. Fear Nothing....and floss.
Only a few things in life can always be funny:
A dreadfully loud fart in a quiet place is a given. A person tripping on the sidewalk is a sure bet. Hal Sparks? Well, he makes it okay for adults to pee themselves silly. Yes, the comedian, who by appearing on various "I Love the..." VH1 specials has now displaced Rob Thomas as the channel's poster boy, has the power to make us laugh with a simple snide comment, gesture or smirk. Case in point: he stole a scene in "Spider-Man 2" by simply riding on an elevator with the web hero. But, there's more to Sparks than drawing laughs. He's arguably best known for playing Michael Novotny on the acclaimed Showtime drama "Queer as Folk" and most recently for out singing deadbeats on "Celebrity Duets." In addition, he's a martial artist, and lead singer and guitarist for the band ZERO 1. But, let's be honest. This interview aims for the cheap laughs. How could we pose serious questions to a guy who once played tonsil hockey with a Furby and outed "He-Man" on national television?
JC) You've been on all of VH1's decade specials and their sequels: "I Love the '70s," "I Love the '80s," and so on.
Do you think it's premature to start an "I Love the 2000s" special?
HS) When I walk around with my friends and family, I am constantly commenting on current pop culture, political and social goings on. I guess it depends on how you view the shows. If they are about nostalgia, then yes. It's a little weird to get wistful about something that happened last Thursday, but if you just want me to make up some funny shit about what you just saw so we can all have a good laugh then hell, I'll do "I Love 7:25 a.m. This Morning!” I have been working with a psychic to begin writing for the 2007 episode of "I Love the New Millennium". You are going to laugh your ass when you see the clips from Bush's impeachment... hi-larious!
JC) I'll set the TiVo. Hey, is it true that you and Michael Ian Black tried to negotiate with VH1 to be on the air for 23 out of 24 hours a day?
HS) Quite the opposite. We had no idea we were being filmed all this time. We had lunch with this chick from VH1, who turned out to be a cyborg. She had a camera installed in her nose stud. Michael and I felt really used, but like in a good way.
JC) Keeping with that theme but not really, what do you think is the best invention to take off in the 1980s:the Rubik's Cube, the Slinky, or the Rick Moranis? Please explain.
HS) [The] Rubik's Cube, because it still makes a funny paperweight/ADD toy/"wow, I used to have one of those!" conversation piece. The Slinky always sucked, still does. The only thing good was the ad. The song was catchy. It turned out to be total bullshit though. They don't walk down stairs alone or in pairs! Crap! And, as far as I know Rick Moranis was invented in 1953 in Canada. So, better than a Slinky, not as '80s as a Rubik's Cube.
JC) Be honest, you still use a Trapper Keeper.
HS) I do, but only to hold my loose leaf printed version of the Anarchist Cookbook.
JC) Moving on, you worked with Cagney on "Queer as Folk," is it a lifelong goal to work with Lacey?
HS) Er, no. See I worked with the actress who played Christine Cagney. She and "Lacey" are fictional characters. Thanks for letting me know you are a crazy person who has trouble telling reality from fantasy in the first three minutes of the interview, though. Check, please!
JC) But, wait, I didn't order anything. I'll have the chef's salad. Oh wait, sorry, anyway is it true you don't drink alcohol? If so, can you explain how you resisted Zima back in 1994?
HS) It is true. I used the force.
JC) Nice. You speak Mandarin Chinese. Would you have been a better choice than Tia Carrere in "Wayne's World?"
HS) No, Rob Lowe was speaking Cantonese in the movie. So the scene wouldn't have worked (I would have looked hot, but confused) Plus, it would have taken the wind out of "Brokeback Mountain's " sails had I had a scene with Mike Myers prancing in his drawers way back then.
JC) That's a good point, and not too many people know this, but you have several black belts in martial arts. Have you ever kicked someone's ass?
HS) No. I usually aim for the ribs, stomach or the side of the head.
JC) Oh, that reminds me "Dude, Where's My Car?" No, seriously, where is it?
HS) It got towed! Dude, look at the sign! It's Tuesday! 12-2! Dur! Mystery solved.
JC) Damn, I keep forgetting. Anywho, this is the cheap pop, take the time now to plug whatever you want...What projects are you currently working on?
HS) Work! ha ha! I'm voicing a cartoon for Nickelodeon called "Tak and the Power of Juju" (I'm Tak) and I hosted a show for the WB called "Survival of The Richest" that starts airing March 31. My band ZERO 1 is going into the studio Feb. 18 to finish our album. Doug Pinnick of King's X is producing (http://www.kingsxonline.com/) and I'm in development to do two features in China this year. And, I'm going to tour doing Stand-up off and on all year.
JC) Do you ever miss your Talk Soup days?
HS) I really liked doing daily comedy on TV. But, I don't miss E!
JC) Speaking of E!, I'm going to rip this next question from the headlines. Do you lie awake at night concerned about Lindsay Lohan's driving?
HS) No. I pay a photographer to get plenty of pictures of her driving so I can see that she's okay. He gets really good close-ups.
JC) Last question, Hal. Thanks again for the interview. We all need inspiration. If you could give any advice to anyone, what would it be and why?
HS) Never Quit. Always improve. Fear Nothing....and floss.
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