captain obvious archives

The Cheap Pop's World of Captain Obvious
Captain Obvious presents - 2/16/06
Things I know in 2006
10. Meg White still won't be able to sing
9. The West Wing will head South
8. Gorillaz will remain animated
7. I will urinate on the toilet seat
6. The Yankees will buy another Pennant
5. Beastie Boys will play "Root Down" at some point
4. I will have a really witty answer for number two
3. Jimmy Eat World will actually digest earth
2. Dick Butkis won't be on the Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover
1. My cell phone plan will expire

Captain Obvious presents
19 things I would do if I had a vagina...
12/15/05
1) I'd like get pregnant and shit
2) I'd wear a bra
3) I'd look good dancing
4) I'd shop until I'd drop
5) I'd hate men
6) I'd really identify with Ellen DeGeneris
7) I'd wear high heels
8) I'd take baths
9) I'd like do stuff
10) I'd wear dresses and people wouldn't look at me funny
11) I'd see "Brokeback Mountain" and like it
12) I'd have a period once a month
13) I'd really dig Sarah MacLachlan
14) I'd chew bubblegum loadly
15) I'd play shuffleboard
16) I'd have a crush on Willie Nelson
17) I'd watch "Charmed" and "the OC" and like it
18) I'd have sex with men often
19) I'd read books

Captain Obvious presents 11 things I'd like to see in "Memoirs of a Geisha"
12/10/05
1) McGruff the crimefighting dog solving key plot twists
2) Ken Watanabe's secret fascination with Richard Simmons' "Sweating to the Oldies" tapes
3) Vic Tayback of "Alice" brought back to life via CGI
4) Tyne Daly reading an excerpt of "The Bridges of Madison County"
5) A Michael Bay car explosion
6) Dontrelle Willis of the Florida Marlins questioning Ziyi Zhang about the team's recent firesale
7) Scrooge McDuck spreading Christmas cheer
8) Chow Yun Fat selling yogurt
9) Former professional wrestler George "The Animal" Steele smelling cherry blossoms
10) Sigourney Weaver killing aliens
11) Dick Butkis in a Kimono



Captain Obvious presents
10 words that come to my mind when I think of singer Dido:
1) Delicate
2) Granola
3) Florida
4) Music
5) Sandwiches
6) Seagulls
7) Sunset
8) Bagels
9) Piano
10) Quiche




Captain Obvious presents
Derailed:
Thanks Mr. Conductor, get me the F off
November 29, 2005

They can keep putting "The Polar Express" back in the theaters, re-release it on IMAX screens, put it on DVD shelves- heck throw it up on one of those frickin' old school View Finders, and one thing is simply not going to change: the movie sucks ass. For the children who skipped it last year, and the parents who have yet to drag their Christian offspring to it, here's the deal: Robert Zemekis and Tom Hanks reteamed last holiday season to bring a creepy computer animated film about Christmas where all of the characters look disturbingly awkward. They're not human, they're not cartoons... WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY? Nobody knows... Well, if anyone does, it's Tom Hanks who plays about half a dozen characters in the film. The film's story centers on Santa Claus and whether or not the red and white fucker is real or not... why? Because one boy stops believing... guess the kid didn't get the memo his parents sent that Saint Nick is about as real as Courtney Love's heroin addiction (oh wait, that's a shitty pun)... Anyways, on Christmas Eve, the doubting alien boy wakes up and much to his surprise isn't woken by a sleigh or reindeer bells, but a fucking steam engine. Yeah, okay whatever, Tom Hanks. You're full of shit! So, anyway this conductor invites him on board to take a journey to the North Pole with many apparently homeless children. Eventually, SPOILER ALERT, the kid finds out there is a Santa. Fuck that shit! So, as you can see, this movie offers nothing new to the holiday genre. Throw it up on screens in 3D, make it somehow play on the microwave oven... shit, make it blow me for $5, and "The Polar Express" will keep on sucking. But, I digress, it'll keep coming back like herpes! And Mr. Hanks, throw Peter Scolari a bone would ya!?!


Caption Obvious Presents...
Goodnight sweet Ted

Ted Koppel will leave ABC TV's "Nightline" on Tuesday night after some 25 years of delivering the news. Mr. Koppell never went for the laughs like his competitors (Leno, Letterman). He's a newsman, and with that thecheappop salutes him with our first and final column about Ted Koppel.... THINGS TED KOPPELL WON'T SAY WHEN HE SIGNS OFF OF "NIGHTLINE"....

1. "My vagina hurts."
2. "You want Top Ten Lists? How about top ten ways I can kick your ass, Letterman!"
3. "Goodbye ABC, hello Vodka"
4. "And, I leave you with this, Carol Channing is a revelation."
5. "Calgon take me away"
6. "Where's the beef?"
7. "I thank you for allowing me into your homes... my hair thanks you as well."
8. "Wow, Davy Jones is on thecheappop?"
9. "As Jerry Lewis used to say, you'll never walk alone"
10. "Look at my I'm crazy mophead... now give me some candy"


Caption Obvious presents..
"I'm Too Sexy" For This Article

So, People Magazine wants to name Matthew McCoughnay the "sexiest man" alive? Please! I mean that guy pumps out more bad movies than Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton combined! Sure, he's got the looks and the pecs but doesn't artistic expression play into this at all? I mean maybe if People wanted to have a contest for most sexiest naked bongo player, McCoughnay (that's spelled wrong on purpose people) would be a shoo-in. I'm heterosexual, but I can name at least five dudes who I'd rather shag... you know, if I were gay. Here's the very first Captain Obvious Most Sexiest List... It's a top 8 list... why only 8... because it's time for pasta:
1) Wilfred Brimley: This lovable crusty man is not only a fine actor, but once sold me some oatmeal. He scores even more points because he uttered the word "fart" in "Cocoon."
2) Nelson Mandela: Hey, why not? All this guy's ever asked for is freedom... This is America, People Magazine!
3) Neil Diamond: Turn on your heartlight? More like turn on your heartthrob! This singer/songwriter makes not only girls moan but heterosexual and homosexual guys too! Something tells me if he brought back those porkchop sideburns, he would've edged out that "Sahara" actor - easy.
4) Al Roker: I ask for the news, and this sexy-now-somewhat-slender African American gives me the weather.
5) KD Lang: If only she had a penis.
6) Victor Zambrano: This New York Mets pitcher didn't have much value, but he's got kind of a unibrow and if Salma Hayek has thought us anything, it's unibrows are cool.
7) Adam Curry: This radio host and former MTV God hasn't been seen on television for years, but something tells me that big blond mullet is alive and well and just waiting to be pictured on the People pages.
8) Chris Elliot: "Get a Life?" More like get thee to a photo shoot. This sexy, underrated comedian, who made appearances on "Everybody Loves Raymond" and "There's Something About Mary," must look like an Adonis without his shirt.

Captain Obvious presents:
1 thing that piss me off
November 15, 2005
when people walk into the next bathroom stall when you're still setting the tissue down on the toilet to cover your ass from anal diseases.

Sorry only could come up with one.

Captain Obvious presents:
Rock on you crazy diamond
November 8, 2005

"I don't know much, but I know I love you." Those were the immortal words of Aaron Neville and Linda Ronstandt back in the 1980s, and I'll be damned if those lyrics still don't get the tears going. But, anyways, few things in life are certain, but here's five things I can always bank on when it comes to music:

5. A Kelly Clarkson and/or Rob Thomas song every five minutes on WPLJ radio
4. Endless curiousity whether T'Pau are lesbians as "Heart and Soul" plays
3. Not taking it personally when Tom Petty tells me "Don't Come Around Here No More"
2. Nickelback sucking
1. The Black Eyed Peas repeatedly referring to themselves in their songs

Captain Obvious presents
Some things in life are certain
October 26, 2005

They say nothing in life is certain: Natural disasters are unpredictable. Death can come without warning. Your car could suddenly break down. I could stop writing this column mid-sentence. But having said that, there are a few exceptions to that notion, and I'd like to share two of them with you right now. First, I'd like to say Traveling Matt from "Fraggle Rock" got around. But, more importantly, secondly, I'm 100 percent sure that Chicago rocked when Peter Cetera was fronting the band. Sure, the band still performs with some original members, but it's simply not the same. To take a page post-Cetera, when you see this Chicago walking by, "Baby, look away." What other artist could bring so much raw emotion to a pop ballad that Cetera did? "You're the Inspiration?" That song, in a word, was friggin' "inspirational" because that legendary vocalist was behind the mic. And, what other artist could sing a song about math ("25 or 6 to 4") with such interest and fortitude?
Yes, "From Baby, What A Big Surprise" to "Hard Habit to Break," the latter of which he only sang background vocals, Cetera brought his A-game to a B-band day in and day out. When he left the group in the 1980s, it was like a "where were you" moment in the rock and roll community. Everyone remembers the day Elvis died, the "Dallas" episode when JR was shot, and when that Breakstone guy started selling sour cream, and the same can be said for the day in which Cetera decided to leave Chicago for Okinawa. In 1985, Cetera sang the greatest song ever to appear in a movie with Pat Morita: "Glory of Love" from "The Karate Kid II." (Ralph Macchio is probably still talking this coup up to his friends today.)
As the years went on, Chicago performed without Cetera and the artist had more hits on his own or with white women with frizzy hair he dueted with. The song "After All" from the film "Chances Are" had the singer trading verses with Cher. "Look out Sonny Bono" was a slogan that took America by storm shortly after the film's release. In recent years (the 1990s-early 2000s), Chicago and Cetera have been missing from the public scene. Something tells me, though, if they both joined forces once again they could be the biggest rock group ever again. Chicago once had a Top Ten hit with Jerry Scheff on vocals called "Will You Still Love Me?" I answer with a definite: yes. Join forces Chicago and Cetera. And, when you do just make sure your albums are numbered.

CO's Guide to winter
- October 16, 2005

1) When it is snowing, wear a hat and scarf or you'll get a cold.
2) If the temperature goes below 30 degrees, that means it's chilly.
3) It's never too early to shop for Christmas (even if you're Jewish).
4) Pandas aren't your friend.
5) Salt on the roads is different than salt in your soup.
6) If you leave your house without mittens, and it's cold, you'll die.
7) It's normal for the cheeks on your face to be red in the winter, but if your ass cheeks are it means you have an STD.
8) Jack Frost may nip at your nose, but you'll never see him unless you drop acid.
9) Oatmeal will warm you up, but it'll give you the shits.
10) I can't spell ice-sa-cles.